For all the people who struggle to understand why they’re not happy
The following is a list of reasons why I don’t want to be here – and, I might suggest, why we continue to not be happy, despite protestations that we "should” or “ought” to be happy. This pressure to be happy is ridiculous and yet the myth continues and we are hated if we’re grumpy or unhappy, as if to not be happy is somehow our failure and our fault; as if there’s something wrong with us. It’s quite obscene. This is a list I was incredibly in denial about myself prior to Awakening into conscious embodiment. It's not the whole picture of what it is to be alive, but it's a big piece. The list is in no coherent order and I'm sorry for any repetitions. I may elaborate on this some day and make a more coherent essay (or not).
Industry
Pollution
Chemical waste
Nuclear waste
Nuclear war
Threat of war
Threat of nuclear war
Violence
Aggression
Threat of violence and/or aggression
Lousy boring day job(s)
Frustrating day jobs
Stress
Pressure
Repetitiveness
Unnecessary bureaucracy
Repetitive mundane tasks: shopping, washing, cooking, cleaning, housework, ironing, washing, shopping, cooking, putting out the garbage, cleaning, washing, ironing…
Drudgery
Physical and mental illnesses and/or the threat of catching one of them. For a complete list, please look at one of those hugely thick medical encyclopaedias, but for now let’s just list:
Aids
Cancer
Colds & Flu
Parkinson’s disease
Alzheimer’s/Dementia
Heart Attacks
Thrombosis
Strokes
Blindness
Deafness
Cerebral Palsy
Paralysis
Disability of all physical and mental kinds
And then there’s..
Surgery
Operations
Trauma
Medical fuck-ups
Dentists and dental treatment
Toothache
Plus..
Freezing cold weather
Too hot weather
Other non-benign weather states (many)
More general:…
Disgust at (some) others’ bodily smells, habits and mess
Using a toilet after a stranger has used it
Dirt
Squalor
More personal…
Endless self-criticism (you’re never good enough)
Endless criticism from others (you’re never good enough)
Pomposity
Snobbishness
False personality (widespread)
Pretence/people not saying what they mean
Other’s disapproval
Rejection from others in a million different sorts of ways
Rejection from people we love
Cultural differences and endless misunderstandings
Being hated for not being perfect/who the other person wants you to be
Knowing that I too endlessly reject and hurt others and am guilty of pomposity, snobbishness, etc. etc.
Isolation
Alienation
Neuroses
Mental illnesses
Psychiatric medication
Others emotional crises
My own emotional crises
Emotional explosions
None of us knowing how to support one another (and some not even caring)
No support
Conflict in just about every area of our lives
Cot death
Miscarriages
Still birth
Pain of giving birth
Deformed babies - and adults for that matter
Physical handicap
Child abuse
Sexual abuse
Unbearable pain of losing a loved one
Being betrayed by a loved one
The unbearable complexities of relationships
Terrorism
Threat of terrorism
Terror
Horror
Shooting pains
Searing pains
Excruciating pains
Endless pains
Daunting tasks
Daunting trials and passages
Terrifying tasks, trials and passages
Ordeals
Relationships (again)
Murder
Rape
Theft/Burglary/Muggings
Sexism
Racism
Other isms
The prospect of old age, infirmity and further indignity
Being dependent on: people I hate, people who abuse me, people who are bossy/tyrants, people who don’t love or understand me.
Every day (almost) having to mix with: people I don’t know, people I hate, people who abuse me one way or another, people who don’t know me, let alone love or understand me.
The shock and terror of birth
The shock and terror of God/Spiritual Awakenings
Disorientation
Confusion
Endless dilemma
Endless “choice”
Unable to choose as we’re not able to predict the future
Having to watch and feel others’ suffering
Despair
Anxiety
Nervous breakdowns
Desolation
Experimentation and torture of animals (vivisection)
Torture of human beings
Political torture
Ignorance
Stupidity
Unreliability of others
Broken promises
Being stalked
Having your head kicked in
Physical assault and violence
Threat of all of the above
Any physical threat or domination
Bribery
Blackmail
Hatred
Infidelity
Mistrust
Lying
Natural Disasters:
Flood
Drought
Volcanic eruptions
Tornadoes
Hurricanes
Earthquakes
Etc.
The “Spiritual” Search:
The pain of the Search
Not knowing who we are
The split between non-being, being and the bodymindself
The many misleading teachers, religions, spiritual practices etc.
Having to work it all out for yourself
Feeling split and in dilemma
Primal insanity
The Disappointment of God
The Disappointment of Awakening
Physical pain and discomfort even when everything is “okay”, let alone when it isn’t.
Poverty
Fraud
Deception
Mistakes
Inefficiency
Incompetence
Manipulation
Cheating
Dishonouring of one another
Not being important
Not being seen
Not being understood
Not being “recognised”
Punishment
Bitching and moaning
People dumping their problems on you
People not caring about you
Dread
Boredom
Sexual repression
Homophobia
Circumcision – both phallic and clitoral
Paedophiles
Sexual deviants (back to rapists, etc.)
Fear
Fear of confrontation
Fear of all of the above in this list
Loss of property
Invasion into your house
Financial problems
Work/money
Money in the future/retirement
Noise of neighbours
Kids screaming in the street
Neighbours arguing, playing music too loud
Dogs barking endlessly in the street
Car or house alarms going off
Noise of cars/traffic
Noise of overhead aeroplanes
Other excess noise-pollution
More personal:
My own wounds
Living with my fucked-up-ness
My own unmet needs
My own lack of support from others and my environment
Being hurt (often inadvertently, sometimes not) by others
Others’ unconsciousness (huge one, that)
Others’ fucked-up-ness
Loneliness
Hiding from all of the above
Having to cope with all of the above
Living in a world largely in denial of all of the above
Having to pretend to be happy
Having to pretend everything's okay, when it's not
Not being able to fix any of this list anyway
Being friendly when I want to be unfriendly
All the “shadow” stuff that is not acceptable in this world
Machinery:
Endless fuck-ups: machines breaking down/not working, computers breaking down or not working, cars breaking down, home appliances, etc. etc.
Public transport breakdowns
Car accidents
Plane crashes
Train crashes
Bus crashes/accidents
Impact
Death
More existential:
The seeming futility of it all – suffering all this for years for no reason
Meaninglessness
The meaninglessness of the Meaninglessness
Our unimportance (and yet man’s belief that he is important)
Back to..
Chemical pesticides on our food
Junk food
Poisoned food
Unhealthy food
Contamination
Unhealthy and contaminated water
Starvation
Obesity
Famines
Being told to think positive
Being told to cheer up
No intimacy
Aloneness
Deprivation (of many things)
Scarcely anyone understanding the body’s plight
Humiliation
Shame
Guilt
Inadequacy
Sin
Bad
Judged lazy (when you’re just worn out by it all)
Awkwardness
Toxicity
Deadly/killer animals
Deadly/killer insects
No escape [until death]
Evil
Vulnerability
Not knowing
Interpreting dreams (ie.Why are dreams often unclear, confusing and open to interpretation?!!)
Trying to make some sense of it all
Panic attacks
A MANIFEST UNIVERSE THAT DOESN’T CARE
(c) June 2004 Gill Smith