The Failed False “Promises” of the Heart and heart
I think it was Da who once called the world “this heart-murderous place”.
Recently, I’ve been experiencing many heart openings (small “h”. I mean my physical heart, not the confusingly named, misnamed “Heart” as in Consciousness).
In my heart are all the people I’ve once loved. From my first love at 15, various other boyfriends, my ex-husband, various friends and family (especially my father and two sisters) through to certain Spiritual teachers and even “God” itself.
When my heart opens (I presume this is the same for all human beings) there is an amazing feeling: not only of love, but also of hope and salvation. I italicise the latter, as it is only recently that I’ve become fully conscious of this feeling, being now so excruciatingly embodied.
I did experience “salvation” once before, back in 1997, when, watching a video of Adi Da. On that occasion, the knot on the right side of my heart unravelled to reveal non-being, then the divine, then holiness and salvation. But at the time I put the feeling of “salvation” down to the enormity of the initiation I’d just received.
So it is a surprise now to realise my heart must have (unconsciously) felt this “hope and salvation” many times before. Most devastating, however, is the delusion of this feeling experience.
It is delusion because, of course, firstly there is no salvation. As human body-minds we will die, that is certain. Even worse, however, from my point of view, is the heart-rending seeking that ensues from these feelings of salvation. The projection on the other that they will somehow “save” you, make your life meaningful and worthwhile (for the connection somehow makes you feel important); or that you in turn can do that for someone yourself; the promise of love. Maybe this latter even happens for a while. (Hence the devastation of break-up, loss or death of a “loved one”. Even arguing and temporarily falling out with someone can bring these feelings).
It’s occurring to me that delusion and projection are not simply things of the mind – but of the heart too.
To get extremely personal by way of illustration (because, to me, the feelings of the heart are oh so personal):
(Disclaimer: please note I am not “blaming” any of the people below – for they too were only acting out of the heart’s delusion and betrayal, or motivated by self-survival or other things; if they are to blame, then so have I been on many occasions).
1. My first love left me after three years when I was only 17 but he has remained in my heart despite all logical evidence to the contrary.
2. My last “love” stalked me for over 2 years, terrorising me and making my life a living hell, trying to get me sacked from my job, trying to turn all my friends against me, issuing murderous death threats, jumping court bail etc. He eventually killed himself. His life-threatening betrayal of me has coloured my life ever since.
Spiritual teachers: perhaps even more dangerous, as one’s expectations can be doubled:
3. Adi Da – initiation as mentioned above. Various other instances of heart openings with him (via book or video, I have never met him). Yet there are endless stories of his terrible behaviour toward his devotees; I myself realised pretty soon I’d never get to actually meet him, or even if I did I could never get “personal” with him etc. (i.e. there was no personal relationship to be had there, which is what my heart seemed to promise, seemed to want). And I hate his “dharma” and find his teaching techniques questionable.
4. Teacher A (I will call him) – a teacher with Waking Down. I still get heart openings with this person, as I first did back in 2000/01 when I first encountered him. The initial heart opening was subsequently made all the more excruciating (in retrospect) because both he and Waking Down seemed to offer a much more personal service – indeed an intensely personal one marketed in the name of “mutuality”. Teacher A even explicitly said to me that he wanted to be my friend; I did easily get the chance to meet him on Retreat in the USA. A much more approachable and friendly relationship compared with Da, to be sure, but still a delusion. For he, like many other teachers in that school, are unable to follow through with the sort of personal relationship the heart appears to “promise”. I know I am by far not the only one who has been hurt and had their heart broken in this way by both this and other teachers in the Waking Down school.
5. God. After Da, I committed myself to “God” and “God Realisation”. I thought all sorts of wrong things about “God” at the time (but of course didn’t know that – and quite frankly was misled by many spiritual writings). Now I feel like God is a monster (or at least the Conditional Nature part of God and I am the abused wife. I suffer a kind of domestic violence, mental and physical abuse, if you will, at the hands of “God” every day.
6. And that’s not to mention the many other partners I’ve lived with, broken up with, friends lost and betrayed, and so on.
I remember clearly the day teacher A and his wife sent me a gift of a black panther toy – it was so lovely opening the gift and it went straight to my heart. Later that day, however, I was lying on my bed with the panther on my chest and I started remembering all the “abuse” I’d suffered my whole life and especially during the spiritual seeking years. I remember it so well – because my heart suddenly closed. It was like a big heavy wooden door slamming shut, with such weight. As it closed, I flung the panther across the room. It was rejected. I’ve never been able to bond with it again since.
That was back in about 2002/03. I mention it here because I think, largely, my heart has been closed ever since. There have been many more betrayals since – by life, my sisters, friends and fellow seekers etc. (And I have no doubt whatsoever that I have betrayed them too – as I said above, this piece I am writing is not about blame).
And I’m also writing it because recently my heart has been temporarily opened again – once by teacher A via an email and once by Da, by rereading a book of his. And the flood of emotion and heartbreak that emerged was immense. But passed. What can I do - just accept that I have once loved these people, but that’s all there is to it? I guess so. Neither they nor any other human being I’ve loved turns out to be the “saviours” or friends or lovers any of us actually wanted. What is extra annoying is the fact that, the rational explanation of it all doesn’t stop the heart feeling what it does.
I work in the voluntary sector providing services for people who allegedly are worse off than others. I was at a meeting the other day and at one point with a woman there I could see full well that I could “meet” her and “meet” her very deeply indeed in her particular suffering. Indeed my whole Being was “meeting” her in the Room. But I didn’t let her know openly and avoided any outward show of what was happening. Why? Because I was keenly aware that if I did so she would instantly see me (unconsciously) as her “saviour”; she would spend days, weeks, months or even years pursuing me wrongly, believing I could somehow help her, and I can’t – she is just one more suffering soul no worse or better off than everyone else I know. I did it for my own sake but also for hers. I did not want to mislead her into false projections. I cannot follow through on every sob story I meet, as there are just too many. And in any event, I’m no saviour. I can’t even save myself.
[Instead I just said to myself and mySelf, which included this woman and the whole room: “I hear you my Love, I hear you: but I cannot help you for there are no answers to your or my suffering. Don’t you see we are all suffering in the same terrible boat; your problems are terrible, but really no worse than mine or anyone else’s”].
It is this lack of follow through that is perhaps so difficult and bewildering for all of us to bear.
The Heart is a deceiver
Neither delivers what they appear to promise.
(c) January 2008 Gill Smith